Metro Jezebel

The American Asshole

Throughout history men of the “asshole” demeanor have captivated women. We pretend upon dating that we can somehow change their ways by working ourselves into their icy hearts. Throughout my history I’ve dated four assholes, and I’m sure you might find this amusing as I did pondering the thought while heading towards the liquor store after a rancid day at work.

1. Sam: I was freshly 17 (I find actually typing out the numerical expresses the meaning of the age). Sam was the one of the first boys I was ever naughty with. I used to sneak out of my house at three am and drive over to his creepy house in my new wheels; a blue Geo Prism that housed many memories. Sam spoke two languages and attended high school at our rival richer school; he was short with adorably curly hair and innocent dimples. Besides blonde Germans, if a boy has dimples I am immediately drawn to them no questions asked. Sam used to walk me to my car when it was time to say our goodbyes and give me sweet kisses on my lips that made me melt inside.

Q. How could this innocent thrilling boy be bad?

A. It turns out Sam lied about his age and unrenowned to me he was only 15 years old. I allowed Sam many times to drive my car around and borrow it for his “tiny errands”. Turns out he stole cars, sold drugs, and made out with my best friend.

I can say that maybe.. just maybe I really did know the truth behind his captivating smile and adorable appearance but got a secret thrill knowing at the end of the night he was kissing me goodbye and not another girl.
*The last I heard from Sam was six years ago when he was living in a drug house with his older brother.

2. Wesley: There was always something about Wes that drove me CRAZY. I believe every women encounters a man/boy sometime in her life that makes her jump off into the deep end without checking if there is actually water in the pool. His name, his reputation, the way he looked at me, they way he grabbed my hips claiming me while visiting me after school in my driveway. He was notorious for being a selfless asshole. He spent the majority of High School stoned with his popular buddies. I spent the majority of my High School becoming the captain of my sport teams and getting A’s in class. I remember one of the most popular girls in my class had a thing for him and attempted to grab his attention, yet he had his sights set on me. Three years after High School Wes and I finally got together and he made me sleep on his couch after… you know. He always refused to let me stay the night after drinking. But still I kept coming back for more. Even to this day my own mother reminds me of the repercussions of men like Wesley.

*I recently spoke with Wes but immediately deleted his number after he started calling me. I’ve grown over the years but that doesn’t stop my mind from wondering back to those summer nights of many years ago.

3. Matt: I am actually changing his name since he is one of my most recent assholes. Matt was a normal boy I met in my early twenties and began dating. He worked for the city, owned his home, and courted me with expensive dates. It never occurred to me that Matt was what we women call a serial dater. He’s got the routine down pat and could win a gold in getting women wrapped around his finger. I believed everything he had to say after all he looked so sincere. Then one day out of the blue a month after we started dating he dumped me for no reason and refused to talk to me ever again.

*Matt now has been divorced after marrying a girl in Vegas, and has begun drunk dialing me. I’ll admit I’ve begun to answer his phone calls but I’ll go into that in another post.

4. Andy: I didn’t per say date Andy but we had a two week fling where we both acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. I decided to help him move, and baby-sit his cat for one day.
*Turns out the one-day of babysitting his cat turned into two weeks and after the first week he decided to get back together with his ex girlfriend.

I could go on and on about the vast men I’ve dated with immature behaviors but will not bore you with the stories and heartaches I’ve felt. Yet every woman knows the secret rush you get from the involvement of an asshole. It’s exhilarating in its psychological reversal of all morals. Speaking of which… Matt just sent me a text..